I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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