you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
