I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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