At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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