I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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