Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
