I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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