I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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