It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
