I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think my moral compass just broke
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