Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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