There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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