you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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