I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
