there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
