i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
