if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
