When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
