Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
should my penis look like a turkey
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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