I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
