I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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