I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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