Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
