i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
