so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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