I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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