I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
