Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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