I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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