Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
