I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
