I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
