I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
