Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
