take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize