I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
