He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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