I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
