Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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