so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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