On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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