dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
