Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
