I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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