Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
