i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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