Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
