so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
