Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
