Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
