I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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