just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
