the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
