I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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