May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
