She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My ass is underappreciated
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
