She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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