Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
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WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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