dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
