the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
