I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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